Gallows and Goblins
by Tomas the Betrayer
Summary: When you're as crazy as Goblin Slayer, even the Gods know to keep their hands off. Lighthearted tales featuring our favorite scrappy Adventurer!
1. Do It Right the First Time

"Indeed, friends. I am, as you see, a goblin. But far more than that, I am… Goblin Adventurer!"

Several other Adventurers had clustered around the small green-skinned creature wearing a cavalier hat with a huge pink feather, riding boots and a tabard in blue and white. A slim rapier hung from the belt at its hip. While assuredly comical to find a goblin dressed as such, the way it held itself and the polished manner in which it spoke lent an air of validation to this otherwise absurd spectacle.

"While the majority of my kind are indeed wastrels and knaves, I am the lone exception." Goblin Adventurer swept off his plumed hat and gave a courtly bow, one booted foot extended toe-first before him. "Born an anomaly, with no love of wanton pillaging, I have devoted myself to learning the tongues of Men, and can now converse as well as anyone. My heart compels me to defend the helpless, even if it means taking up arms against my own race. Being but an Emerald level Adventurer now, I hope through my exploits to in some small way make up for the flagrant injustices done by goblins worldwide. By setting an example, it is my fondest wish that perhaps, someday, we too can take our place among the other Races with Words."

The people listening looked to one another and murmured in surprise. It certainly did make one think.

Having just arrived at the Guild Hall, High Elf Archer, Dwarf Shaman and Lizardman Priest stood at the entrance frozen in utmost horror, mouths hanging open and eyes bulging from their heads.

"Holy _spit!"_ the Elf managed to gasp. "Orcbolg's gonna _flip his BRICKS_ when he sees this!"

"Sees what?"

All three spun about. Their comrades Goblin Slayer and Priestess stood outside behind them.

"Nothing!" Dwarf Shaman squeaked, then burst into nervous laughter. "Nothing, Beard-Cutter! Nothing at all! Say, why don't we stop by the tavern for a bit, eh? Adventuring is thirsty work!"

"But we haven't collected our reward yet," he replied, and moved to brush by.

"Milord Goblin Slayer!" Lizardman Priest hastily sought to impose himself between the sight that lay before them. "Perhaps you should not enter! There is… an issue here which you might find to be… beyond the pale…!"

Goblin Slayer marched around him, and all three felt their hearts grow cold. They turned to watch, mute witnesses to what would undoubtedly soon become a sensational murder trial for the local town criers to report upon.

The armored warrior entered the hall with Priestess trailing in his wake. They all saw his helm turn to take in the sight of Goblin Adventurer surrounded by curious admirers. The trio almost wanted to shout a warning. Alas, it was too late, for Goblin Slayer had already…!

…walked right on by without saying a word.

His comrades stood blinking. They looked to one another in great confusion. Did that really just happen?

Goblin Slayer marched through the press straight to the receptionist desk. They saw him converse with Guild Gal, who listened attentively and promptly handed him a large sack of coins. Rather than leave with their reward, however, he instead turned and presented the bag to Priestess. Some words were exchanged between them.

Looking uncertain, the young woman nonetheless nodded before heading over to the stairs. She climbed up to the first landing, and as her companions watched, mystified, Priestess turned back to the room at large, took a deep breath, closed her eyes and suddenly yelled…

"F… FREE MONEY!"

With that she tossed the bag of coins up into the air. Gold and silver came raining down.

Anyone who knows Adventurers can guess what happened next. It was a free-for-all. Men and women reacted instinctively to the allure of unclaimed wealth, falling to scoop up as much as they could whilst fighting to ward off potential thieves. Shouts and curses filled the air. Any sense of camaraderie evaporated in the face of common avarice. Melee Gladiatrix kneed Heavy Fighter in the groin with her metal kneepad so hard his name changed to Fairy Warbler. Rookie Warrior flailed on the floor as Barbarian Amazon held his head in a scissor-lock. "Say it!" she crowed gleefully while his face turned purple between her meaty thighs. "SAY IT, GIRLY-BOY!" Female Knight danced through the chaos like a breeze, snatching up gold coins without any of the others being aware of it.

The non-human trio watched this greedy brawl in disbelief. Suddenly Lizardman turned his head. "Whatever became of the Goblin Adventurer?"

They all looked over. Sure enough, the tiny enigma had vanished.

Glances were exchanged. Puzzled, they looked all around, wondering if perhaps he was somewhere in that mass of crazy squabbling mercs.

Then as one, it came to their attention that Goblin Slayer was not involved in the brawl. A few seconds later they spotted him, sitting on a small barrel against the wall with arms crossed. He appeared to be observing the commotion.

Approaching him, High Elf Archer asked, "Orcbolg, do you know what happened to the Goblin Adventurer?"

His helm tilted to one side. "Who?"

She looked at her companions as though seeking assurance. "The little green fellow with the big hat? Do you know where he went?"

"I don't know what you mean. There was no goblin. I've been sitting here the whole time."

"But you must have seen him!" the Ranger declared indignantly. "You, of all people, would surely notice _an Adventurer who happened to be a GOBLIN!"_

That faceless helmet remained unmoved. "Are you not feeling well? Maybe you should go upstairs and lie down."

"What? I don't need to lie down, I'm trying to find out what–!"

All of a sudden his leather-gloved hand reached up to trace a finger around her ear. High Elf Archer stiffened with a gasp.

"You have pointy ears," Goblin Slayer mused as she shuddered beneath his touch. He then leaned closer until his visor slits were only an inch from her nose. "Like a goblin!"

The Elf's eyes grew very wide.

Fast as lightning she leapt away. Passing over the howling mob, High Elf Archer crested the stairs in a single bound, raced down the landing so fast she blurred, entered their room and slammed the door shut behind her.

The other two exchanged uneasy glances. Finally Dwarf Shaman coughed. "*Ahem*. Beard-Cutter? I'm not sure you–"

"You're short…" Goblin Slayer growled.

The stout tunnel-dweller drew up short, blinking.

"…like a _goblin!"_

Dwarf Shaman stared at him.

Then quick as his stumpy legs could carry him, he scuttled across the room, up the stairs and followed the Archer into the room. The door closed with a resounding bang.

Alone, Lizardman Priest's eyes darted from one side to another. He shifted uncomfortably, wondering if there was any aspect of his appearance which might lead one to suspect he could be a…

"GRE-E-E-E-EN…" a menacing voice rumbled.

In a flash the swamp-dweller dropped to all fours and scurried, deceptively quick as a crocodile on dry land, to rejoin his comrades. "LET ME IN!" he screamed upon finding the latch had been drawn. "IT'S ME, LET ME IN, LET ME IN!"

They did so.

Goblin Slayer remained where he was, watching.

From the barrel beneath him a scratching sound came. Without looking, he casually kicked it with his heel, and the scratching stopped.

* * *

On her way into town, Cow Girl noticed Goblin Slayer standing off by himself. With a smile she left the wagon and trotted over to join him. "Hey!" she called.

He twisted his head to acknowledge her. "Hello."

"What are you doing over here?"

Goblin Slayer turned back to his pursuits. "Work."

She peered closer. Her childhood friend was staring at what looked to be a large rain barrel filled with runoff from yesterday's storm. Inside of this was yet another barrel, but smaller. The curvaceous farmhand regarded this arrangement curiously. Was he checking to make sure it was waterproof or something? Maybe it was one of his supplies.

"There are air bubbles coming out of it," she noted.

"Yes," he nodded in turn.

Nothing more was said between them. After a while, Cow Girl decided to leave him be. "Well, I'm going over to buy some grist at the mill. I'll see you later, okay?" With that she retrieved her cart and went cheerfully on into town.

Goblin Slayer watched her go. He took note of her destination, the great wheel turning outside, within which a huge stone was used to crush grain and seeds.

"Hmmm…"

* * *

"Listen here," the Miller groused, "I can't let you just crush anything in there, I've got to know what it is! People eat what comes off of that grist-wheel and…!"

THUMP! A large bag of coins was dropped on the counter.

"…and you go right ahead, sir! Please take your time!"

Goblin Slayer maneuvered the barrel onto the round track. He checked its position, calculating, and finally decided this would indeed work. The donkey-powered contraption turned on its course slow and inexorable as the moon in the sky. The barrel rotated with it, drawing closer and closer to a great grinding stone which pulverized everything it came across. Goblin Slayer watched the procedure dispassionately. If one listened hard, one might convince themselves they could hear a faint, muffled screaming.

The wheel turned.

WHUMP!

"Careful, you clumsy idiot!"

Goblin Slayer glanced over. A few paces off the Miller was furiously berating some of his underlings who had been engaged in tossing sacks of crushed corn down from the attic. One of them had failed to catch a bag, and now it lay burst open upon the floor, its contents spilled everywhere from the force of its landing.

"Hmmm…"

* * *

"Thank you for the ride."

The farmers waved goodbye as their horse-drawn wagon went on its way. Once they were well down the road, Goblin Slayer hoisted the barrel over his shoulder and got walking. It was a short trip along a path up to the top of the cliffs, the highest in all the land. The promontory he selected jutted out over a dizzying drop so deep there were clouds floating below. Upon reaching its furthermost tip, Goblin Slayer settled down his burden and peered over the edge. Birds flew in circles below. Far down, a mighty river appeared less than the width of a vein in his arm, the forests and hills surrounding it rendered mere smudges of green and brown.

Satisfied, he rolled the barrel into position. No further noises came from it. He drew back a pace and waited. Nothing. No movement. No sound.

He coughed.

Immediately the barrel started to jostle and rock from side to side, a terrible sound like a gagged man trying to scream accompanying this frenzy.

With casual assurance, Goblin Slayer lifted his foot and kicked the barrel off the cliff.

He bent to one knee right at the edge and looked down. In moments the twirling coffin was lost to sight.

Then, very faintly, his sharp ears heard a small… SMACK.

With that, Goblin Slayer turned away and began the long walk home.

* * *

The large, heavy cabinet scraped across the floor and came to a halt.

"Alright!" High Elf Archer stood back, panting and winded. She surveyed their work critically. With the help of Dwarf and Lizardman, they had managed to maneuver virtually every piece of furniture in the room in front of the door to form a barricade. There was absolutely no way anyone was getting in here. She wiped sweat from her brow, trembling from the strenuous exercise and a fear that still hadn't abated. The other two looked just as unnerved as they examined the makeshift barricade together. Tables, chairs, the shutters off the windows, and now the dresser. "Do we need anything else?" she asked.

"How about the bed?" a familiar voice spoke behind them.

All three froze. As one, they all revolved mechanically around and stared.

Goblin Slayer sat on the bed against the wall.

None of them spoke. Without any hurry, that eerie figure stood up and crossed the room. They parted before him. He came to a halt right in front of the dresser. His helm turned from side to side, taking note of their clear distress.

"You should rest," he told them. "Tomorrow there will be more goblins to kill."

Collectively, a trio of gulps filled the room.

"I'll let you know when we're ready." With that, Goblin Slayer reached up and opened the drawers of the dresser. He crouched down to step inside. Turning about, hunched over like a gray gargoyle, the living genocide looked at his inhuman allies. "Until then…"

Reaching up, he grasped the doors and slowly began to close them.

"…pleasant dreams."

With a soft click, the dresser shut.

They stared. High Elf Archer and Dwarf Shaman looked quickly at each other. Then both sprang forward and wrenched the dresser open.

Before them, the wooden cabinet stood empty.

"WHAT THE HECK?!" she screamed. "WHERE IN FREYA'S NAME DID HE GO?!"

"I DON'T KNOW!" he shouted back. "QUICK, TEAR UP THE BOTTOM! THERE MUST BE A TRAPDOOR!"

"YES, IT'S THE ONLY SANE SOLUTION!"

Their reason had flown by this point as they began dismantling the luckless piece of furniture. For his part, Lizardman Priest resolved to say his prayers and get some sleep. One thing was certain about tomorrow; there would indeed be goblins to hunt. And he did not like to think what unpleasant fate might befall this crew were Goblin Slayer to find any of them wanting.

 _ **FIN.**_


	2. Confronting the Issue

High Elf Archer came awake wondering when and if she had actually fallen asleep. A sense of serene calm which attested she had indeed slumbered long and well…

…lasted only until she opened her eyes to find Goblin Slayer staring her right in the face.

" _Y-A-A-A-A-AAAAH!"_

Her comrades bolted upright in their own beds at this shriek. Lizardman Priest went for his bone sword only to freeze upon registering the situation, his reptilian eyesight serving him far better than the others. Meanwhile Priestess and Dwarf Shaman both yelled to know what was happening, peering about until their vision adjusted enough to answer for themselves.

Goblin Slayer stood at the head of the Ranger's cot bent double so that they were practically chin to forehead. His helm moved to inspect the others for a brief moment before returning to the bulging-eyed elf, who had finally stopped screaming and lay too traumatized to move. Just how long had he been _standing there?!_

"You're awake. Good."

The remorseless warrior rose up. Barely visible in the darkened room, he seemed a thing of nightmares unto himself in his stained featureless armor. Yet when Goblin Slayer spoke all he said was, "There's a new goblin quest up. I've already claimed it for us. Meet me in the taproom when you're ready."

He then proceeded to step backward into deeper shadows that lay towards the front of the room. There was no sound of a door opening. Yet when Dwarf Shaman hastily lit a candle, it was to find their disturbing colleague had vanished without a trace.

After several seconds in which they looked at one another askance, it was silently agreed to leave the light on. All four lay back down in an attempt at further rest they suspected might not be easy coming.

At last High Elf Archer said, "Okay, just to be clear, is anyone else completely **terrified** of Orcbolg?"

Two hands immediately rose into the air.

"Well… I wouldn't say _terrified,"_ Priestess spoke up nervously. "I respect him a lot, and he saved my life, so if I had to describe my feelings…"

"Be honest, lass," the dwarf chided her with a sigh.

"Okay, fine, yes! He scares the piss out of me, when I have nightmares, he's always in them, even worse than goblins, can we please talk about this later when the sun is up?!"

By silent consent it was so. The anxious young woman laid her golden head back down on the pillow and closed her eyes. Hands clasped before her breast, she offered a quiet prayer to the Earth Mother.

Under her bed, there came the faintest creak.

Priestess stiffened anew. "G-G-Goblin Slayer, sir?" she whispered, feeling foolish but unable to keep from asking. "Is… is that you?"

From the area of the floorboards a hollow voice replied, "Maybe…"

The girl clutched her blankets with a whimper.

Meanwhile High Elf Archer stared in incredulous horror at the poor thing. A terrible suspicion grew within her. Pride alone saw that valiant explorer swallow these fears and, careful not to make a sound, she rolled over and very slowly stuck her head over the side to peer cautiously beneath her own bedframe.

Goblin Slayer peered right back.

Before she could so much as draw breath to scream, he placed a leather-shod finger to her lips, miming for silence. Upside-down, High Elf Archer looked down (or up) at this impediment with wide eyes, then back at him and gave a slow nod to show she understood. This seemed to satisfy him, and he permitted the elf to retreat without complaint.

"I thought he was under _your_ bed!" High Elf Archer hissed accusingly at Priestess as she curled up beneath the covers.

"He's under _all our beds!"_ Lizardman Priest insisted in a raspy voice laden with dread.

All four shivered and tucked the sheets up around their chins.

Right then, they resolved something needed to be done about Goblin Slayer.

* * *

"Thank you for seeing us on such short notice!" High Elf Archer stated. Priestess nodded vigorously to express her own sense of gratitude, seemingly too overcome to have spoken a word since being admitted into their host's presence.

"Not at all." The Archbishop of Water Town, Sword Maiden, sat composed and relaxed behind a desk in her office. The two girls occupied chairs of their own. That saintly figure almost seemed to hover before them, so filled with power and well-earned prestige was she. "How may I be of help?"

"Well, the thing is, Your Eminence, it's Orcbol... er, Goblin Slayer." Despite being two thousand years old, the elf was feeling just a bit immature right now, partly due to the person to whom she was speaking and mainly owing to their reason for being here in the first place.

"Ah." Sword Maiden sat up a little straighter, laying a hand to her cheek self-consciously. "That curious man. Of course, I would be glad to assist him in any way."

"We're… glad to hear it." Okay, just ease into the subject. Don't scare her off, or make it sound any worse than it actually is. Be subtle. Be discreet. Just ask yourself, 'What would Goblin Slayer say?' and then _don't_ say that. "Our problem is this. We're all very… appreciative of Orcbolg. Really, it's not so much that we have issues with him in the workplace, there he's just outstanding. Goblins dead, boom, no problem."

Here she gave a shaky laugh, and the Gold-Ranked Adventurer smiled in turn. Taking this as encouragement, High Elf Archer proceeded. "But outside of work, his manner and general comportment can be a bit… off-putting, maybe? Like it works on adventures, but in different settings, we find he behaves pretty much exactly the same as when he's on a hunt. So we got to discussing the matter, and after careful deliberation the conclusion was reached that some outside activity would benefit him greatly and improve the party as a whole. But the… activity we decided would be of _greatest_ benefit to him… well, I'm not saying any of us weren't willing, but… that kind of thing can alter the dynamics of a party in ways that can't be foreseen and might prove disadvantageous in the future. I mean, look what happened with Female Knight and Heavy Fighter, am I right?!"

Another laugh, but this time Sword Maiden only appeared confused as to who she might be talking about. It dawned on their party's appointed negotiator that she might be avoiding the issue intentionally. The elf resolved to get right down to business… tactfully, of course.

"With that in mind, the best course of action seemed to be searching for an outside party, and your name came up almost immediately considering the sort of interaction the two of you had in the past, so perhaps, if it's not against your vows or your preferences, not that I care what those might be, and I'm not judging you, that's really not my business, just so we're clear, but we wondered if you perhaps eventually might see your way to…"

"… _fuck_ him!" Priestess forcefully interjected.

For a while nobody said anything more.

"And we're not asking you to do it for free, Your Eminence!" Priestess added when further debate did not follow. "We'll gladly pay you for your time!"

High Elf Archer managed to keep a smile in place, but the rest of her face had turned to wood. She swung around to angrily confront Priestess as to her impulsive behavior, but found the best she could manage was a slight gasping noise.

As for Sword Maiden…

The legendary figure remained still for a time. Then she proceeded to lean forward and laced her fingers together on the tabletop in businesslike fashion.

"Let me see if I understand this correctly. You want me, the highest officer serving as anointed head of a holy chapter for the Supreme God Himself, to lay with a man… for _money?"_

The way she emphasized that last word should have served as a warning for any reasonably intelligent individual. Hell, a _moron_ should have known not to take it any further than that! But not, it would seem, our dear Priestess.

"Actually, I thought we could make it an official quest! Something like… 'Bang the Moody Goblin Slayer to Improve his Disposition!' And that way it wouldn't be anything naughty or improper. Just a Gold-Ranked Adventurer completing a very difficult quest! And getting paid for it afterwards!" She glanced hopefully from Ranger to Archbishop. "Right?"

Looking back at that imposing figure, High Elf Archer could have sworn she saw the woman's eyes _narrow_ behind her blindfold.

Rather than the explosion of outrage she had been expecting, however, Sword Maiden simply reached over and slid a blank sheet of paper onto the pad in front of her. Removing a quill pen from its golden inkstand, she bent over it and began to write. "Thank you both for coming. Go in peace, with the protection of our God."

The Elf was ready to do just that, but beside her Priestess leaned anxiously forward and proclaimed, "Is it about the money? Because we can double it! No, TRIPLE if that helps! I–!"

" _THANK_ you, go in peace!"

Next thing they knew, Priestess and High Elf Archer found themselves slung beneath the arms of a notably large and burly priest who marched towards the door holding the two girls like piglets at market.

"Hey!" the elf yelped. "Lemme go, ya big gorilla! Getcher sweaty hands off me or I'll–!"

"You'd only have to do it once!" Priestess shouted while trying to crane her head around. "He'd probably fall asleep right afterwards! We could leave the money on the bedside table if that's more convenient for you!"

"Escort our esteemed elven guest off the temple grounds," Sword Maiden sang pleasantly while busying herself with writing. "Oh, and take our dear young Priestess to the Closet of Penitence, where she may atone for any transgressions she might have made along the way."

"No! No, not the Closet! Not the CLOSET, I hate the paddle! I just HATE the paddle! PLEASE, NOT THE PADDLE! NOT THE PADDLE, YOUR EMINENCE, NOT THE PADDLE! NOT THE–!"

The sound of their bickering drifted away. Continuing with her correspondence, Sword Maiden paused for a moment in which a fond smile flitted briefly over her lips. Then she resumed holy work, her thoughts, whatever they might be, kept private.

 _ **FIN.**_


	3. Nocturnal Suspicions

"Are we sure Orcbolg is human?"

This remark brought all other conversations to a halt. The troop of adventurers had been enjoying a meal in the local tavern sans their de facto mascot, Goblin Slayer. It was his absence which permitted High Elf Archer to broach the topic in question. Several people had taken note of her brooding at the head of the table with arms crossed staring at her untouched plate since the meal began, but no one cared to comment on it 'til now.

High Elf Archer finally took note of how everyone was staring at her. Perhaps she had not intended to say that out loud, but having done so, the ancient soul resolved to follow through. "I mean, not seriously," she argued. "But you have to admit, some of the things he does seem a bit… how do I put it? Well, it's just plain unsettling!"

"Hmmm." Spearman reached across the table to snag a bottle of wine. "You mean like how he seems to pop up out of nowhere sometimes?"

"Yes, that, exactly that!" she insisted.

"Hell, that's no big deal." The handsome rogue refilled his glass and did the same for his partner Sorceress when she indicated for it. "The guy's quiet. It's easy to overlook him. Not that there's much to look at, am I right?" He laughed and was about to take a swig, when all of a sudden, Spearman stopped and peered quickly over his shoulder. When nothing presented itself, he relaxed.

"There! Right there!" High Elf Archer exclaimed while pointing at him excitedly. "How do you explain how everyone we know is secretly _terrified_ of a stinky uncommunicative Silver-ranked Adventurer?"

"I wasn't scared!" Spearman protested, face flushed red, no doubt from too much wine. "I just… wanted to see if Guild Gal was behind me!"

"Here now, Long-Ears," Dwarf Shaman spoke up from his place further down the table as he savored a roast quail. "It's always funny to watch you make a fool of yourself," he ducked to avoid a crown of broccoli thrown at his head. "But seriously, now, if Beard-Cutter isn't human, then what do you think he is? A Mermaid? A Giant, perhaps?"

"No! I was wondering if he might be… y'know…" Here her voice descended to a low murmur, and they all leaned forward to hear her state, "…a demon, maybe."

Everyone stared at her, and proceeded to burst out laughing.

"Oh, yes!" Dwarf Shaman hooted while pounding Rookie Fighter on the back. "A demon! My word, that's rich!"

"I've always wanted to meet one." Female Knight raised a goblet to her lips in genteel fashion with a small smirk. "Think you can arrange an introduction?"

"That's what he's hiding under that armor!" Rookie Fighter shouted to be heard over the hubbub. "A pair of wings and a tail!"

"Oh, forget it!" The Archer went back to her meal with a sullen frown. But as she raised the fork to her lips…

"What if he's a vampire?"

The laughter had been dying down. This was why everyone heard what Priestess said clearly. Scrunched between Barbarian Amazon and Heavy Fighter, the little cleric was almost swallowed up by their broad frames. When she spoke, however, everyone paid attention for some reason.

"Well?" The little blonde stood up and cast an inquiring look around. "Seriously, what if? He's always popping in and out of shadows, and he's taken damage that would have killed an ordinary man! Plus he's inexhaustible. And heaven help me, there's times I could swear I see this _red light_ glowing inside his helmet almost like an eye! Doesn't anyone else find that weird?" She sat down heavily, only to spring up with a yelp, grabbing the cushion beneath her and fluffing it with great wroth. "Stupid Closet of Penitence!" the girl muttered before returning to her seat somewhat more gingerly.

As she did, however, two men dressed in the robes of the Church marched up and seized both arms to lift her into the air. "WHA–?!" she gasped as they carried her off. "NO! How did you…?! Oh, that blind psychic BITCH! How does she always KNOW?!"

Nobody laughed as Priestess was hauled into a nearby broom closet. They were too busy brooding over the question she had raised.

"Errr," Spearman drummed his fingers. "I never thought about it, actually. I mean, the guy is pretty pale, but… c'mon, we've all seen him walking around in the daylight, right? A vampire couldn't do that!"

"He's pale because he wears that armor all the time," Padfoot Waitress chirped as she settled another round of drinks at their table. "All day, every day." She drew up straight and clutched the empty tray to her skirts, looking thoughtful. "Hey, come to think of it, he's so covered up, the sun couldn't touch him no matter what! Funny, nyah?" She grinned and went traipsing off.

The mood at the table was downright solemn in her wake.

"That's… true." Having another sip of wine, Sorceress' pause might be attributed to a verbal tic or a touch of unease. "But we've… all seen him eat. Correct?"

"Yeah!" High Elf Archer perked up.

Dwarf Shaman was staring uneasily at his own savory repast, which he seemed loath to touch by this point. "Actually… thinking back on it, I don't ever recall seeing Beard-Cutter _eat_ anything. Drink, yes. But eating?" He looked around for reassurance. "Any of you?"

No one responded or even met his eye. The dwarf shivered.

"Just a second!" High Elf Archer leapt upright. "I've got it! He went into a church! And not just a little one, but a big one! A cathedral! When we went to Water Town! That's off-limits for vampires!"

"He was invited in." Having finished his pre-dining atonement, Lizardman Priest opened his eyes and fell to, apparently aware of the surrounding conversation even while saying grace. "On an official quest. That serves to nullify a vampire's natural aversion to such precautions. Or so I have heard."

Alone among them, the Lizardman resumed his meal with hearty gusto, unaware of the effect his casual statement had wrought. The rest, especially both members of his party, were having some serious thoughts.

* * *

Guild Inspector was perusing a manual of exotic weaponry (for research purposes) when she felt a shadow fall over her. Upon looking up, it was to find herself faced with Dwarf Shaman, Lizardman Priest, High Elf Archer and Priestess.

"Yes?" the Guild official asked as they stared down. "May I… help you?"

"We need you to check something for us," the Elf said firmly.

Ten minutes later, after a brief explanation and what seemed like some very reasonable arguments that nonetheless failed to disentangle her from this crazy situation, the Inspector marched across the common room of the Guild building. She could feel those three lunatics watching her as she approached her target.

"Sure hope she knows what she's doing," the Ranger muttered.

"I concur." That was the Shaman.

"This is a shameful display." The reptilian Priest looked abashed to be in their company.

"My ass feels like an Ogre's been smacking it with his huge meat club for half an hour," Priestess muttered in high dudgeon while nursing her tender behind.

"Where do you pick up such language?" the dwarf inquired curiously before turning his attention back to their true purpose. "Hst, quiet! She's going for it!"

"Goblin Slayer, sir?"

He looked up from inspecting a strange multi-bladed metal boomerang she recognized from her 'Weird Weapons' manual as a 'caber'. "Yes?" The armored hunter gave a flick of his wrist that snapped the heavy prongs back beside one another and returned it to his belt.

"Um, well, y'see…" They'd given her an explanation, but it had flown right out of her head. Couldn't have been that good anyway if those nuts came up with it. Oh, just get on with it. "I need to bless you!" And she held up her sword-scales cross necklace that served as a sign of faith in the Supreme God.

Goblin Slayer's helm observed it, and her, without reaction. "Okay," he said.

Feeling foolish (not to mention humiliated), Inspector closed her eyes and started to mumble a basic blessing. Thank goodness. Those goofs were way off mark. An undead like a vampire would have automatically recoiled when faced with her divine artifact. Since he hadn't, that proved Goblin Slayer wasn't one.

Hang on…

I closed my eyes when I started praying. It's a habit. But what if _he_ did too the moment I came near? I should check…

"Goblin Slayer? How many fingers am I holding up?"

"Why?"

Her heart was racing as she raised her hand. "Just humor me. How many? Five, eight?"

That pitted visor loomed silently before her. Nothing could be seen through its slits. Inspector realized her mouth had gone dry.

All of a sudden, Goblin Slayer responded, a trifle loudly, "Did you say _'DATE'?"_

She blinked. "What? No, I said eigh–EEP!"

Fingers clamped on her shoulder so hard she jumped.

"Can I have a word with you in private, please?" a cold, menacing, yet still somehow pleasant voice sang. Horrified, Inspector turned to find Guild Gal standing right behind her, eyes closed and a cheerful smile firmly in place. This wholesome visage only served to inspire horror.

"Wait!" she gasped as the terrifying apparition began to drag her toward the back rooms. "There's been a misunderstanding! I wasn't trying to date him, seriously! C'mon, I… it was them! Those three, over there, especially the Elf! It was all their idea! Help me! HELP M–!"

The two women disappeared through a door that slammed shut behind them.

The group she had been referring to watched this development with interest. "Maybe she's his familiar?" Dwarf Shaman mused as they all marveled at the speed with which Guild Gal had appeared.

At this point he, Priestess and High Elf Archer realized that their cover might have been blown. Without need for discussion, it was agreed discretion must truly be the better part of valor, and they were just turning to surreptitiously make their exit when it dawned on the party that Goblin Slayer had moved to stand right in front of them.

"You seem to have some time on your hands," he intoned softly.

Priestess, High Elf Archer and Dwarf Shaman were frozen in mid-creep, while Lizardman Priest contrived to look embarrassed by this whole situation. Which he was. Goblin Slayer paid such concerns no mind as he bent down slightly to stare into the Elf's pale, sweating features. He took her hand. "Let's go discuss it while we… grab a bite."

He proceeded to haul her across the hall towards the stairs. At first too shocked to protest, the Archer came to her senses and looked imploringly at her collaborators, lips quite clearly shaping the words, _'Help me!'_ When no one made a move she became more voluble. "Oh, I swear, if he turns me into a bloodsucking creature of the night, I'm coming after you _first,_ Dwarf!"

The trio simply waved goodbye as that doomed maiden disappeared into the upper levels of the hall.

"I'm sure she'll be alright," Dwarf Shaman chuckled nervously.

Priestess' response was made with a haughty sniff. "Better her than me." Right then she found herself hoisted up and marched once again in the direction of the nearest closet. "WHA–?! Oh, are you KIDDING me?! Bitch! I call bitch! B-I-I-I-I-TCH!"

Dwarf Shaman watched her head off to further paddle punishment with a bemused air. "Seriously, whom has she been associating with to pick up that kind of talk?"

A door to the lavatory swung open behind them with a bang, and Barbarian Amazon came striding out. "Ho, that was a _good_ shit! I feel ten pounds lighter!"

"Never mind," the stumpy spellcaster sighed.

At this the warrior woman's twinkling eye moved to alight on the tall stately brave in naked appraisal. "Yo, Scaly!" she boomed. "Wanna head upstairs and try our hand at breaking a few bedframes?"

Yellow eyes blinked. "How could I… say no?"

"Great!" She hooked arms with him and the two swaggered off together.

Dwarf Shaman watched his ally depart with a twinge of envy. "Seems everybody's hooked up," he said with a sigh. Right then he noticed a large wine barrel right beside him. "Well, hello, there!" he grinned, and slid a seductive arm around it.

* * *

Later on they were back at the bar where this all began for a late supper. Priestess was forced to sit on her own fluffy hat, while Dwarf Shaman had drunk considerably more wine than usual and was being quite vocal. Some might say there was an edge of nervousness to his glee.

High Elf Archer had not rejoined them all day.

"Sure she's fine," the Dwarf mumbled into his tankard. Lizardman Priest simply lay stretched out on his back taking up a whole bench, basking in the afterglow like an iguana in the sun. Candlelight flickered all around, casting deep shadows in corners that at least two of them were wont to glance at anxiously. It was not being a good time for that duo.

All of a sudden, a strange wind whipped across the taproom, extinguishing the lights at their table. With great haste Dwarf Shaman produced a flint and sought feverishly to snap enough sparks to get the wick going again. After just a few seconds his efforts bore fruit, and he sank back gratefully into his seat.

Only then did he notice High Elf Archer standing beside him.

"L-Long-Ears!" the tunnel-dweller gasped. "You're back! Good to see you!"

Green eyes turned to regard him. There was no expression to be found on her face. She appeared paler than usual, and there was something downright unsettling in the way the candlelight framed her features from below, like it was accentuating any shadows while leaving her eyes framed in pure darkness. Priestess could have sworn she saw a spot of red burning in the elf's pupils. Cold fear surged through her bones.

Suddenly High Elf Archer lashed out, seized the Dwarf's tankard, and threw it back in one mighty chug.

She then dropped beside him with a groan.

"I have spent _all day_ listening to that man explain over two _hundred_ different ways to kill goblins using only parts of _other_ goblins! Just so you know, you bastards are buying tonight."

"Sounds fair," Dwarf Shaman affirmed.

"Milk for me," Lizardman Priest sighed from a still prone position. "My nectar is thoroughly drained."

"Wish I could say the same," Priestess groused as she adjusted her hat, only to yelp upon rising unexpectedly into the air. "Oh, come ON! Do you guys get points for this or something?! You know what? Fine! I'm actually kinda into it by now!"

The closet door closed behind her, and the world continued on.

 _ **FIN.**_


	4. The Legend of GS

"Oh, Boy Hero, you look so noble and handsome when you're lost in thought!"

"Stupid Hero! Just pick a quest already! N-not like I care what you do! _Idiot!"_

The young Adventurer known as Boy Hero chuckled good-naturedly at the stark contrast in his teammates' reactions. He continued to peruse the notification board with hand raised to chin. The sun shone through a high window, leaving him bathed in a shaft of light which caused his lustrous white-gold locks to shine like spun silver, creamy skin awash in heavenly radiance.

"I've decided, girls. Today, we're hunting goblins!"

Wizard Fangirl jumped up and down squealing with glee in flouncy dress-up doll attire, seemingly unconcerned with how her enormous breasts smacked her in the face with every hop. Brawler Fangirl snorted contemptuously at this display but spared an envious glance at her comrade's ample bosom before examining her own armored frame with a critical air. She had a nice body too, which Boy Hero often assured her of, mainly because he liked the way she turned red and verbally berated him whenever he did.

As he tore the Goblin-slaying quest off the wall, Boy Hero caught sight of another lovely damsel approaching them. "Oh, I'm sorry," he apologized with a self-deprecating grin while rubbing the back of his head. "Were you after this quest too?"

"Uhhh…" The girl, a High Elf by the look of her, glanced between him and the sheet of paper. "No. But… was that the last one?"

"You mean for goblins?" He quickly examined the board again. "Yup! Looks like! Would you care to join our party? The more the merrier, I say!"

The green-haired beauty ignored how his two tag-alongs sent her identical murderous glares. "No thanks. But… maybe you should… find something else."

"Are you implying we can't deal with some lousy _goblins?!"_ Brawler Fangirl demanded hotly.

"It's not that." The target of her outrage appeared unimpressed at this show of bravado. "I guess you're new to these parts. Folks around here know to leave at least one goblin quest up."

Wizard Fangirl giggled. "That's silly! You're a silly-billy!" She gave a delighted gasp. "Oh! I'm going to call you Silly-Ears from now on!"

The High Elf's eyes narrowed. She studied the set of youngsters briefly before turning away.

"You know what? Forget I mentioned it."

"Okay, nice meeting you!" Boy Hero turned back to his attractive accomplices. "Alright, girls, let's go slay us some goblins!"

"YAY!"

"Hmph! Fine, whatever! It's n-not like I'm going with you because I'm worried or anything!"

Their party headed over to where the local Guild Gal waited. Boy Hero held up the quest notice with a confident grin. "This quest, please!"

The Guild employee looked at it, then at him. "Wouldn't you prefer a nice escort mission instead?" She toyed with her ponytail while adopting an anxious smile. "There's a caravan of exotic dancers embarking later today. I'm sure they'd be glad to have you three onboard as protection!"

"Not another one!" Brawler Fangirl shoved past Boy Hero and slammed her gauntleted hand flat on the counter. "Listen up, lady! We're not some Leroy-come-latelies! In case you aren't aware, this idiot here is–!"

Boy Hero just rubbed the back of his head wearing a cheesy grin. Wizard Fangirl was too absorbed in worshipping him with her eyes to really notice their partner's tirade. As she jabbered on, Guild Gal bit her lip in long-suffering patience. This sort of behavior was nothing new to her. She had already resolved to let the little thing get it all out of her system, when the front door opened, and the sight of a figure stepping through caused her to blanch.

 _Uh-oh._

"Our group has tackled more action in a week than most Adventurers see in a lifetime! And we don't treat this like a job the way others do! We've faced down challenges over the past year that would make Silver-Ranked Adventurers wet their codpieces! So if you think some measly goblins are going to scare us, then–!"

"The goblins will make you their bitch."

This cold, dispassionate assessment brought Brawler up short. It did not originate from the Guild Gal, however. Instead, when the three-person party turned around, to their surprise they found themselves confronted by some old guy in cheap armor who was desperately in need of a bath by the smell of him. His head was covered by a weak-looking helmet that might have been cool if he hadn't sawed off the horns for some reason. He clearly didn't belong anywhere near their group. To say nothing of how he had just spoken to one of them!

"Hey, now." For once Boy Hero looked more perturbed than anything, which only heightened his unparalleled beauty in the eyes of his two fangirls. He only got serious when he was really mad, and now looked like one of those rapturous times. "That happens to be a friend of mine, fella. And a lady, in case you hadn't noticed. I don't want things to get out of hand, but it might be best overall if you just apologized to her." His ruby gold-flecked eyes flashed. "Right now."

That battered grille turned to face him, and Boy Hero felt a curious shiver go up his spine.

"I was talking to you."

The handsome Adventurer drew back with a start. "Huh?"

"Yes." The ugly helm drew closer. The voice that emanated from it had a flat, mesmerizing quality which seemed to seize hold of all three listeners, refusing to let them go. "With your slender build, silky waist-length hair, and smooth effeminate features, you're just the type they find most appealing. In the heat of battle, a goblin might easily mistake you for a female. Overcome by their own libido, it wouldn't even matter to them once they got your clothes off. By then it would already be too late. The whole hive would have their way with you. Like a feeding frenzy. No matter how you screamed or sought to explain, nothing you said would make any difference. It would only excite them more."

The darkness inside that helmet was growing deeper, drawing Boy Hero in. He felt as though he were falling down an endless black tunnel.

"They would make sure to keep you alive for their continued pleasure. This presents the option that another party of Adventurers might eventually rescue you. Not that you would notice by then. The damage would be done. But it wouldn't end for you there. No, indeed. A person in your condition is of great value to other Adventurers. They could send you into any goblin nests first. To wear them out. Make it easier to kill the goblins once they were finished despoiling you. Parties would vie for your services. You would be traded back and forth like a tool. A valuable commodity, one who no longer felt even the slightest bit of shame at being put to such a use."

Boy Hero's fair skin now had the appearance of chalk. His eyes were huge, and his trembling lips gibbered senseless bursts of what no longer constituted human speech. Yet the masked demon went on without regard for his terror.

"And in time, you would be given a new name. They would call you… Goblin Slut."

That sinister figure seemed to fill Boy Hero's whole world, looming over him like a Death spell personified. Its voice had transformed into a haunting promise of suffering without limit.

"Yes, Goblin Slut. Famed far and wide. They say he can handle a hundred goblins at once without breaking a sweat. Lords, Champions, it doesn't matter. No goblin is too big for him. Stories would be told, and grow in the telling, making your name legendary. Forever would your heroic deeds be sung in the annals of history." He leaned in and whispered, "The legend… of _Goblin Slut!"_

With an inhuman shriek, Boy Hero tore past to go scrambling towards the exit. His party members ran in hot pursuit. "Oh, Boy Hero!" Wizard Fangirl cried out. "We still _love_ you!"

"D-don't misunderstand! I-it's not like I want to see you get plugged by goblins from both ends like a roast pig on a spit! Stupid Hero!"

They dashed out into the street and were soon out of earshot. Goblin Slayer watched them go. He then bent down to retrieve the quest notice which Boy Hero had dropped in his haste to depart. Approaching the counter, he laid it down and simply stated, "This quest, please."

The black frown Guild Gal wore served to attest she was not amused at all. "Was that really necessary?"

He shrugged in response. "Man's gotta eat."

"Really." She adopted the sweetest of smiles marred only by a vein blazing like mad in her temple. Guild Gal then reached under the counter and came up with a bucket and mop. "In that case, a _man_ can clean up the trail that poor kid left behind him!"

Goblin Slayer glanced over his shoulder. Coming around, he accepted the cleaning implements. "That's fair."

 _ **FIN.**_


	5. Goblin Slayer is Very Wrong

**Author's note:** This chapter will be a crossover of sorts between 'Goblin Slayer' and the lesser known comedic manga 'Goblin is Very Strong', which features a female goblin as its protagonist. Since you are probably unfamiliar with the title, it follows the exploits of an RPG Goblin who has accidentally managed to reach Lv. 99, making her all but unbeatable for any heroes she encounters. It's a cute story of friendship and brutally one-sided beat-downs, so give it a try if you can find it. Tomas the Betrayer out!

* * *

A titanic _BOOM!_ sent flocks of birds winging in panicked droves towards the sunset heavens, followed almost immediately by a lightning bolt of staggering proportions that arced down from a previously clear sky to strike the earth in an isolated forest glade. The roar that accompanied it shook the whole world with stupefying force. Animals fled for miles around.

Back at the site of this disaster, from out of the huge cloud of smoke which hung over scorched burning earth, there came a cough.

Moments later a figure emerged from the roiling plumes waving an arm in an attempt to see more clearly. Upon exiting the smoke she looked around. With thin arms and legs, this person appeared to be quite small, puny enough to warrant dismissal on first glance. A hair ribbon with a flower attached was tied to short yellow locks. Wearing a pointy leather cap with a wooden charm attached, a long white short-sleeved tunic knotted at the hem, and striped socks, she did not command interest on second glance. Entirely inconsequential, even on third glance.

Unless one noted that her skin was green. As were her eyes. And she had pointed ears. A thick dagger rested in its sheath close to hand. Aside from that she was rather cute.

Hanwasabi the Goblin gave a yawn before peering all around. "Okay. What gives?"

She walked forward a few paces and examined her surroundings. Forest, check. Sky, check. Stars… well, I'm just a goblin, so I don't know much about astronomy, but it seems sorta suspicious that there are two moons up there. One of which happens to be red, the other green.

"Maybe one means 'stop' and the other 'go'," she mused aloud.

Hanwasabi scratched her head as the first feelings of unease began to arise. The attempted summon cancel for her Hero friend Aki would appear to have gone awry. It was supposed to send the human girl back to her own world, setting her free of the unwanted life as a summoned Hero. No way to tell if Aki had made it home in one piece. But what in Demon Lord's name ( _it's Barama, for those who don't remember_ ) has happened to me?

Divine judgment, she decided. I strayed from the path of a monster, even if it was to help a friend. And the Almighty has never looked kindly upon my kind. So as punishment for assisting one of their kidnapped champions to liberate themselves from the tyrannical yoke of Heroism (how does that saying go? _Hero watai hendana!_ or something similarly sounding), I have been set adrift in a foreign land. Kinda like Aki herself.

Hanwasabi identified her immediate concern: I'm on a different world. Secondary concern: do they have goblins here? Tertiary concern: why am I getting evil vibes?

"What are you?"

It didn't surprise her to learn she had been found out. From the looks of things her arrival had made a pretty big impact. Someone was bound to have noticed. What did give Hanwasabi pause was the appearance of the odd creature standing at the forest's edge. It was covered in armor of leather and steel, face hidden behind a grille of metal. The body shape indicated human, but it smelled distressingly of goblins… in particular, their blood and other things less pleasant. A sword and several small throwing knives were attached to its person. What is it? An Assassin? A Mercenary? An Animated Suit of Armor? Certainly looks evil enough for me to chat with it. Maybe it wants to become friends?

"I'm a goblin," she stated assuredly.

A knife took her in the eye before she could blink.

When she did finally blink, it knocked the offensive implement away without so much as scratching her cornea.

"As I was saying…" The Lv. 99 Monster decided she was dealing with some manner of Robber-Knight and adjusted her outlook accordingly. "I'm not from around here. Any idea where I can find some other goblins at least? Oh, and my name is _bleep."_

That brought her up short. She decided to try again. "I said my name is _bleep!"_

Hanwasabi frowned. What the heck…?

While she was debating what this could possibly signify, the Robber-Knight crossed the distance between them with unjustifiable speed and swung his short sword in a killing stroke aimed at the goblin's neck. So fierce was the blow and so durable its target that the blade simply snapped clean in half the moment it connected with her skin.

Hanwasabi launched a lazy fist in retaliation, and was mildly surprised when he avoided it. Not to be outdone, she simply jumped forward to bring a more suitable deathblow careening down. "Goblin Meteor Slam!" she cried theatrically in expectation of certain victory.

Instead a hollowed-out chicken egg struck her in the forehead, and the next thing she knew her eyes were on fire. Her punch went on to strike the ground and create a localized earthquake along with a very sizeable crater.

By the time her vision had returned and she had jumped out of the pit, her adversary was long gone. Probably realized the difference in their levels and hightailed it out of here. Still, if they're all that nasty in this world, I'd better not waste any time getting back to my own.

So resolved, Hanwasabi set off in search of allies who might help her.

It took ten minutes of basic woodcraft and an understanding of monster mentality to locate the cave. By then it was night. Her eyes pierced the gloom just fine, so upon entering she did not fail to note the cunningly concealed side passage halfway down the shaft. Hanwasabi was walking down it for only a short while before she found herself confronted by three goblin males. They were filthy, almost completely naked, and so ugly they made her drool with desire. Could this be heaven? But they were definitely her people, and so…

" **Hey, fellas,"** she spoke to them in traditional goblin dialect. **"My name's… actually, I'm lost and looking for–"**

" **RAPE!"** they all squealed, and jumped at her.

Hanwasabi blinked. _Huh?_

Ten seconds later, eight of which was spent trying to convince them this was not a good idea, Hanwasabi continued onwards. She was covered in blood. This was not what made her feel like she might be about to puke, however. Did they really just try to _rape_ me? A fellow goblin?!

Soon enough she found herself in a large cavern. There looked to be a few hobgoblins, as well as a mage, along with about maybe thirty other goblins. Still somewhat overcome by that experience and in need of support, the ultimate goblin was just opening her mouth to speak when…

" **What's that?"**

" **Who cares? Let's RAPE HER!"**

Hanwasabi could only stare as they flew at her en masse. Is this actually happening?

 _Thirty seconds later…_

" **No, please!"** the Goblin Mage gasped as it scuttled backwards across the floor. It hit a wall and drew up short, panting. **"Don't hurt me! I promise to be good! Just let me live and I'll…"**

"Tch!" Hanwasabi spat, and turned away.

" **HA-HA!"** The Mage crowed as it lunged at her. **"NOW I'LL RAPE Y–!"**

By this point his head was already flying across the cavern, so the rest of his final utterance will have to remain unacknowledged by history.

Standing in the midst of total insane carnage, Hanwasabi finally mastered her outrage long enough to say, "What the _HECK just happened?!"_

"You again."

She spun around as firelight filled the cavern. From out of the tunnel there emerged the Robber-Knight from before. He held a torch on high as he inspected the grisly scene. It might have been her imagination, but he almost seemed to nod in professional approval before turning his attention back to her.

"You did this?" the bandit asked.

Hanwasabi stood there trembling, clenched fists still dripping blood. "They sure didn't give me any choice! They tried to _rape me!_ The whole nest! Seriously, who the heck does that to a cute lone goblin just looking for directions?"

The masked man watched her unmoving. At last he said, "What are you?"

"I'm… a… GOBLIN!" Frustration and moral outrage put a little more volume into her shout than she had intended. "DID YOU NOT HEAR ME THE FIRST TIME?! AND WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS DIMENSION? EVERYONE I MEET TRIES TO RAPE OR KILL ME! DO YOU ALL HAVE SOMETHING AGAINST GIRL GOBLINS, HUH?!"

He watched her impassively. "There are no female goblins."

Hanwasabi slid her knife into its strap and crossed her arms. "There is now."

The Robber-Knight had another look around at the carnage. "So you object to being raped?" he mused thoughtfully.

"Does that also make me weird on this world?" she countered, still stinging from the unprecedented experience of killing her own kind.

"And you want to go home."

"Yeah. That, or find some nice civilized goblins to live with until I can!"

His head tilted down.

"I see."

A hand drifted behind his back, and Hanwasabi prepared for battle. But when it came around he held nothing more dangerous than a scroll, which he proffered to her.

"Here is a world map detailing all the goblin settlements, outposts, hordes and clans that I am familiar with. You may use it to find more of your kind."

Uncertainly the goblin girl came forward and accepted his offering. "You just happen to have something like this on hand, huh?" she asked without any effort to hide her suspicion.

"Yes," he stated so matter-of-factly it kind of made her want to believe him. The Robber-Knight then added, "It is my job." Further detail was not forthcoming, as he stood aside to let her pass. After a moment Hanwasabi resolved to get out of this evil place. She had a peek at the map, noting the rudimentary but still serviceable cartography. "We are here," he pointed out helpfully.

She rolled up the map and stuck it into her pocket. A world map, huh? Not bad. This little nightmare might have a silver lining after all. Hanwasabi looked back at the man, considering killing him on general principle. At the very least it would earn her some coin. But he had been the first halfway-nice person she had met since coming here, attempted assassination notwithstanding. So instead she just said, "Later," and headed out.

The armored man watched her go. When he felt certain it had been long enough for her to be out of earshot, he slipped over to where a few looted supplies were to be found. Some planks had been stacked haphazardly against a wall. They almost screamed, 'Don't Look Behind Us!'

He did so. Within the small nook carved out of the stone, a bunch of goblin babies gazed back fearfully.

"Hrm," he grunted, snapping one of the planks in half. Blunt objects were always best when dealing with the kids. And who knows? If his luck held out, perhaps this night's work had netted him more than another cleared-out nest. Just have to wait and see.

Goblin Slayer then got to work.

* * *

"There's something weird going on," Guild Gal stated.

"Like how?" Guild Inspector didn't look up from parsing today's mail.

"Look at Goblin Slayer." Her friend obediently did so, not surprised to find this was the topic of conversation. The man in question was sitting alone over by the wall. He didn't seem any different than usual. Except…

"Is he drinking tea?"

"Yes! Isn't that bizarre? From a teacup, with a saucer and everything!" The normally bouncy Guild employee sounded notably perturbed. "He asked me to get it for him. And not just that! He hasn't been out on an assignment in _months!_ Isn't that strange?"

Inspector looked at her friend with a frown. "Well, when was the last Goblin-slaying quest posted?"

Guild Gal shrugged. "Couple of months ago, maybe. Dry spells happen. I worry about him whenever they do, because he used to accept nothing but Goblin quests, but even now…" Here she began stroking her braid nervously. "I'm just concerned. He's been quiet lately. More than usual. I even sent a message to headquarters asking them for any Goblin quests, no matter how far away they might be. If only they would get back to me…"

"Speak of the devil." Inspector held up a folded envelope. "This is addressed to you specifically. Maybe it's what you've been waiting for."

"What? Give it here!"

Guild Gal snatched the letter away. She opened it eagerly and perused the contents with Inspector reading over her shoulder.

After a while, they both looked at one another.

"What…?" Guild Gal asked. Her friend didn't know what to say either.

A short time later, Guild Gal came out to refresh Goblin Slayer's tea. It was the most use she could be to him these days. No words were exchanged. She didn't feel quite comfortable broaching the topic just yet. Maybe give it a few more days. She rejoined Inspector behind the counter. _Weird,_ they both thought.

After she left, High Elf Archer came down the stairs and approached the seated Adventurer. For a time the ancient archer only looked at him, perhaps also noting the very same queerness which had drawn comment from the Guild employees. Once this perusal was complete she drew herself up and asked him, "Orcbolg?"

"Yes?"

His ally shifted from one foot to another. "The rest of us are going on a Quest later today. Would you like to come along?"

Slowly his head turned. "Any goblins?"

"Uhhh," High Elf Archer fidgeted. "No, but–"

" _BWA-HA-HA-HA-HAH!"_

Her jump backwards sent the Elf clear across the hall, so startled was she by this outburst. From there she watched Goblin Slayer where he remained seated. The Ranger's body shook, sweat dripping down her forehead.

Did he…? Was that…? Am I crazy, or did Orcbolg just… _laugh?!_

Granted, it had been loud and crazy and totally maniacal, but still… it sounded like laughter. She looked around for confirmation, to find every single living person in sight gaping at Goblin Slayer as though he had… just… _laughed!_

The man in question did not move, merely sipped his tea in total peace and quiet.

Maybe we've all gone nuts.

Right then the front doors were blown off their hinges as though they had been struck by an Ogre's hammer, and into the hall there strode Hanwasabi. She did not bother to notice all the armed Adventurers screaming and yelling at her arrival. Instead her attention fixated on the one person who remained calm despite this explosive entrance.

" _YOU!"_ she hissed, and went stalking over to him. Her tiny fingers lashed out to seize Goblin Slayer by the front of his armor, bending the metal with no more effort than if it were a fresh green leaf. She hoisted him up to hang in midair, an expression of cold purposeful rage all over her face.

Meanwhile, Goblin Slayer held onto his teacup and saucer with great care. Quite placidly he remarked, "Ah. The Female Goblin."

"You sunnuva…!" she spat. While everyone else remained too stunned to act at this unexpected turn of events, the green-skinned imp clenched her free hand into a fist and hauled back to leave it cocked and ready for launch. What such a blow would do if it befell a person was all too evident by the splintered remains of the doors.

"Was my map inaccurate?" Unperturbed, Goblin Slayer managed to take a sip of tea in this awkward position. _Slu-u-u-rp._

"Oh, no!" Hanwasabi spit back. "I found the goblins! And every single one of them _tried to RAPE ME!"_

"Do tell." _Slu-u-u-rp._ "And what did you do to them?"

"I _killed them!"_

" _BWA-HA-HA-HA-HAH!"_

This sudden burst of insane laughter startled Hanwasabi so badly she dropped her prey and took a hesitant step back. Goblin Slayer landed agile as some great jungle cat before retaking his seat with an outward appearance of calm. "Did you kill them all?" _Slu-u-u-rp._

"Yes…" Her face had become slightly more green than usual, and those watching saw the little powerhouse sway as though about to pass out.

"Everywhere?" _Slu-u-u-rp._

"Yes!"

"Even the young ones?" _Slu-u-u-rp._

"Y-yes!" She choked back a sob on that one.

 _Slu-u-u-rp._

Goblin Slayer settled down his teacup and stood up. He gazed at the little green girl.

"Heh…"

As they all stared…

"Heh-heh… heh… _hee-hee … bwee_ - _hee-hee-hee…!_ _BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAH!"_

Before the whole world, Goblin Slayer threw back his head and laughed fit to burst.

"AT LAST!" he crowed, hands raised like twisted claws before him as he bellowed in the throes of savage glee. "AT LONG LAST! MY PURPOSE IS COMPLETE! I HAVE SLAIN THE GOBLINS! EVERY LAST ONE! NO MORE WILL THEY DEFILE OUR WORLD!"

All of a sudden he swept in to loom before a horrified Hanwasabi, who flinched at his close proximity. "And I have you to thank for it!" he hissed with a gross chuckle. "Yes, dear sweet _bleep!_ The ferocity with which you dispatched your fellow Goblins inspired me! I realized that you were the perfect tool, my instrument of war against the vile green-skinned menace! All I must needs do was aim you in the proper direction, and you would wipe them out for me! For months I have kept track of your progress across the globe, _relishing_ the news of every Goblin nest found butchered without explanation! I knew how they think, you see! And the only way a Goblin could possibly react to a cute little girl walking into their lair, green-skinned or no, was to try and _ravish her!_ Which would result in a slaughter! And so it passed! Two days ago, I received confirmation; the fabled Goblin Homeland had been waylaid and destroyed! No survivors! None! And now…"

He retook his seat. "That leaves only you."

The last living goblin on the face of the world glared at him. "If I wanted to," she growled from between clenched teeth, "I could do the same to you and every other human on this lousy mudball!"

As those listening felt a shiver of unholy dread at her proclamation, Goblin Slayer picked up his teacup. "Oh, I think not." _Slu-u-u-rp._ "Do you believe I have been dawdling this whole time?" _Slu-u-_ At this point he had reached the bottom, but upon holding it out Guild Gal immediately came over and refilled the cup without question. The madman returned to his story. _Slu-u-u-rp._ "I have conferred with learned individuals from all walks of life. With their aid, I have hit upon a means by which you can be returned to your own world." _Slu-u-u-rp._

Hanwasabi appeared wary, and rightly so. "Why should I trust you?"

"I do not lie." _Slu-u-u-rp._ "There have been others on our world in a similar predicament to your own." _Slu-u-u-rp._ "Most become Heroes, but all agree the phenomenon is not as uncommon as one might think." _Slu-u-u-rp._ "I will tell it to you…" _Slu-u-u-rp._ "But only if you agree to leave without harming anyone else."

 _Slu-u-u-rp._

The goblin goddess stared him down.

"Do we have a deal?"

 _Slu-u-_

"Fine."

 _-urp._

With that, Goblin Slayer stood up. "Good."

The two of them exited the hall together. Goblin Slayer returned a week later. Alone. Some say he betrayed the poor naïve goblin girl and led her to her death. Others insist he upheld his part of the bargain, even if it was with a Goblin. A few claim he conspired with Sword Maiden so that they both married the unwitting Hanwasabi and used her superior genes to sire an army of Goblin-Human hybrids with which they shall one day take over the world!

That last one was so nuts even the Gods took note. They all agreed to stop playing the game and took up Parcheesi instead. Goblin Slayer now goes by the name of Chuck.

 _ **FIN.**_


	6. A Boy and His Dog

"Hey there, are you up? Sorry if I woke you."

Goblin Slayer came awake feeling confused. The goblins… were they really all gone? I want it to be true, and yet… wasn't I just with the Female Goblin? Her name might have been… Hanwa… sa…

He heard movement. The earnest young man sat up in bed and looked around. Cow Girl was laying out some of his clothes which had been washed and dried. She smiled at him while bustling about the tiny room which served as her tenant's storage shed and domicile. The girl's presence reassured him that this world was not the one in his dreams, no matter how much he wished it might be so. The memory faded; he knew for certain it would not be back.

"What time of day is it?" he asked upon rising to his feet.

"Sundown," Cow Girl supplied. After completing some light housework she came around to regard her old friend. "You've been asleep since yesterday. That must have been some quest!"

"No." Goblin Slayer immediately moved to reequip his gear. "Nothing special."

"Uh-uh." The lovely farmhand decided this was enough for now. "Supper's ready when you want it. Don't leave without eating, okay? I'd like to hear more about what happened."

"Alright."

Cow Girl watched him busy himself with work for a moment longer before moving to depart. She had planned to tell him about the twin calves birthed while he was gone and the deal her uncle struck with a neighboring farm that might see them get an ox before long. That would be a big help around the place. So much could happen in just a short amount of time.

She grasped the handle, opened the door, and found herself faced with a nightmare.

Giant mouth. Gaping wide. Pointed teeth, a smell like an outhouse, and this loathsome _hissss!_

The girl quickly shut the door.

"H…"

She thought she had spoken, but when Goblin Slayer didn't respond it occurred to her she must have been wrong. Better try again.

"H-h-h-hey…?"

Goblin Slayer noticed she hadn't left. The girl remained standing in front of the door stock-still. "What's wrong?"

What's wrong? What's _wrong?_ There's a… _there's a…!_

"There's a dragon outside the door," she mumbled dazedly.

No other explanation.

After a moment to consider, Goblin Slayer picked out a few particular items and stashed them on his person. He rose up, confirming his armor was properly cinched before stepping forward. A light touch of his hand on her arm was all it needed to maneuver Cow Girl behind him and out of the way. He paused as he grasped the door handle. If it was a dragon, he would quickly dart past and draw its attention, allowing Cow Girl to escape. She could then warn the village while he bought her time.

With this plan in mind, the brave Adventurer swung open the door prepared to fight.

Giant mouth gaping wide pointed teeth smell like a sewer…

 _Hissss!_

"Oh."

Goblin Slayer looked behind him. "It's not a dragon."

Cow Girl had wedged herself into a corner and was doing her best impression of a coat rack. "Well, what _is it?!"_

"It's a…" He hesitated, turning back to regard the beast. "Uhhhh…"

There was no blast of fire, no heart-stopping roar. And they weren't currently being eaten. With all that in mind, Cow Girl managed to pry herself loose from the grip of fear and stumble forward to join him. She clutched his arm protectively and peered out into the pall of dusk.

The dragon(?) had not left. It squatted in front of the shack, its length stretching out far down the path. The sheer size of the thing almost made her scream, but she choked it down for fear of inviting their deaths. The great beast was scaly, built low to the ground with four legs and plates running down its back. It possessed an unusual coloring; white but almost with a sort of pearlescent glow about it. Like a firefly. But a lizard.

"You… know what this is?" she asked her friend.

"Yes." Then as per usual he added the relevant details. "It lives in the sewers under Water Town. We ran into it on a quest there. I don't remember what it's called." He bent down and, to her horrified disbelief, scratched the beast under its chin. "It seems to have developed a taste for goblins. And since I go where the goblins are, it's taken to following me around."

This information did not serve to make Cow Girl any more inclined to feel safe than when she thought it was a fire-breathing dragon. As if sensing her distress the creature opened its incredibly long mouth and hissed again. It remained in this pose, appearing to wait patiently. Goblin Slayer reached into his belt and withdrew a severed goblin ear plus a few fingers. These he tossed into that cavernous maw. The white drake closed its mouth on this treat and lumbered a few paces back. It turned around, maneuvering its great bulk to face away from them. The thing twisted its head back expectantly and gave a snort.

"I should go. There must be goblins nearby." Goblin Slayer glanced at her. "Sorry about dinner. I'll be back later. We can talk in the morning." As Cow Girl peeked fearfully from behind the doorframe he set off, patting his leg in some kind of sign. "Here, girl."

The monster moved to trundle along beside him. As it did, however, Cow Girl could have sworn the creature threw a look back at her. For some reason she had this strange conviction that toothy lipless mouth was _smiling_ at her in a way she did not like one little bit.

The boy and his dog(?) departed. Cow Girl decided she had better go count all the pigs and cows. Just to be safe.

 _ **FIN.**_


	7. Observant and Absorbent

" _HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"_

The candles went out to leave only the pungent smell of smoke and a tiny glowing ember at each tip. As they did a round of cheers and hearty clapping followed. Priestess looked up from the cake and grinned. "Thank you all!" she proclaimed with tears in her eyes.

"Happy Name Day, lass! Or so we say where I'm from." Dwarf Shaman offered her a hug which she happily accepted. Hoots and catcalls followed, which both of them laughed off. Other Adventurers at the Guild tendered their own well wishes through raised glasses and shouts of encouragement. Theirs was a dangerous business, with no guarantees of safety. Even something as simple as a goblin quest could spell disaster for the unwary. As such a birthday meant something special, serving as the most personal proof of survival.

High Elf Archer clapped her hands. "Okay, that's enough talk! It's time for gifts!"

"Yes!" the Dwarf thundered. "Bring on the Name Day presents for our bonnie lass! First and foremost…" He trotted over to his seat and returned lugging a large box which he settled before the giddy youth. Priestess opened the lid and reached inside. To her surprise she came out holding…

"A pan?"

"Not just any pans, dear girl!" Dwarf Shaman retrieved several more kitchen utensils of various sizes, all of which fit snugly inside one another. "These are works of art! Any meal you make in these will be far finer than not. The metal is a tempered alloy of mythril, iron and adamantine ore blessed by dwarven craftsmen," the eager gourmand ran a finger around the edge of the pan lovingly, his eyes shining with a fey light, "whilst the handle is hand-carved rosewood, cut from a sacred grove on the night of a blue moon, shaped and sealed in under thirty minutes to keep the breath of life in it, and kissed by the lips of a beautiful, 13-year-old, Amazonian virgin!" He licked up and down the handle in loud, salacious fashion. "The thought of eating something made in this makes my mouth water!"

"And your behavior makes my gorge rise," High Elf Archer snapped. "Quit being perverse, you filthy grub!"

Upon noting the strange looks he was getting, Dwarf Shaman grew red in the face. He wiped off the handle and handed it back to Priestess, who accepted the utensil gingerly. "Thank you," she said with only slight embarrassment. "I'll be glad to try them out, if you teach me some recipes."

He beamed. "Happy to do so, lass!"

"Those could be used to smash in a goblin head."

They all turned to where Goblin Slayer was sitting against the wall. He did not appear to be getting into the spirit of the festivities. Some might speculate he failed to understand the purpose behind the proceedings at all. Yet at the same time, he hadn't left, which signified his willingness to participate despite there being no hint of goblin slaying involved.

"Saw that coming," Spearman muttered leaning against his weapon. Sorceress patted his shoulder with a sad smile. "Hush," she told him. "Play… nice."

Rather than let the jovial mood be further marred, Lizardman Priest stepped forward with his own gift. This proved to be a long leather wrap or scarf of some kind stitched with patterns of intricate beadwork. "For you, my friend in faith." He bent to offer her the garment. "I made it myself from the skin of a mighty swamp stag. It has been imbued with a spell in the stitchwork that will prevent you from succumbing to poison or other malevolent miasma should you wrap it around your mouth. Wear it in good health."

"That's so thoughtful!" She took it with equal parts reverence and good cheer. "I know this will come in handy at some point on our travels."

"You could easily strangle out a goblin with that," Goblin Slayer observed.

Lizardman Priest only chuckled even as the others grimaced at the thought. "Your imagination truly is a fearsome weapon, Milord Goblin Slayer. Should this humble talisman save our Priestess' life in any way, I would be pleased to learn of it."

"My turn." The Elf threw a scowl at Goblin Slayer as she marched on by but grinned warmly at the birthday girl. Her present proved to be a small silver ring wrought in the shape of twining limbs with tiny leaf patterns etched in them. A single emerald nestled in the casing. "This ring has been enchanted by elvish mages. If you press your lips to it, the stone will glow the closer in proximity you get to fresh water. That's nothing to be sneered at out in the wild."

The Elf then turned a haughty smirk on Goblin Slayer. "Make a weapon out of that, if you can!"

He stared back at her.

Then Goblin Slayer said, "A glow like that in a dark cave or at night would make it easy for goblins to spot you. It might get her killed."

She jerked back as though stung. "Oh, you…! _Can you not think about goblins for two minutes?!"_

To this Goblin Slayer only pointed out, "You asked me to." Before the uptight Elf could respond he stood up and crossed over to loom in front of Priestess, who paled a bit at his closeness. The silent soul reached to his belt pouch and brought out a small metal tube with a cap. This he held out to her. "Here."

"Oh… thank you, Goblin Slayer! I… didn't think you would get me anything." Priestess was secretly amazed this had proved to be the case. More than anything so far, it made her heart feel light. So he really does care! Popping the lid, she brought it up to her nose and sniffed. "What is it?"

"Poison."

Priestess almost dropped the vial.

As everyone around them gaped in disbelief, Goblin Slayer continued. "Use it if you ever find yourself about to be raped by goblins. The venom is fast-acting. Your death will be swift and painless." He seemed to consider something then. "Or use it to kill one of the goblins. Good either way."

"He really is crazy!" High Elf Archer whispered. Most of the people watching couldn't help but agree.

More goodwill gestures followed. From Guild Gal, Priestess received a beautiful leather-bound diary in which to record her thoughts and adventures. On the first page had been written in an unmistakable hand, _'Safe journey! (_ _Keep your hands off him_ _)'_ Priestess quickly closed it and thanked Guild Gal for her very special gift. The lovely older woman giggled and helped herself to a piece of birthday cake.

Spearman and Priestess had pooled their resources to procure a lightweight but sturdy knapsack which they had stocked with a warm blanket, a pillow, and other creature comforts for the road. This made Priestess tear up again from joy.

Female Knight dropped by bearing a metal-plated skullcap which could fit under the girl's hat and offered strong protection against head blows. To the surprise of many, Barbarian Amazon and Melee Gladiatrix offered their services teaching Priestess some basic hand-to-hand combat. Despite being a bit intimidated by both, she agreed to take them up on the offer, and they each got a piece of cake for their troubles.

Goblin Slayer made comments about every gift in terms of death and goblins. Eventually High Elf Archer threatened to gag him if he didn't quit. From that point on he kept his silence.

Things were winding down and most of the revelers had dispersed when Priestess noticed a white box amongst the pile of gifts. She couldn't recall having opened that one yet. "Does anyone know who this is from?" Holding up the item in question earned her only a few shrugs and uncertain shakes of the head. Priestess considered the box. It was paper, very nicely made and quite light. What could it possibly be?

Feeling eager at finding a mystery, she removed the lid and looked inside. Her closest allies did the same.

All they saw was a white fluffy mound.

"What is it?" High Elf Archer asked. "A hat?"

"I'm not sure." Uncertainly Priestess removed the item. It quickly became apparent there were large holes in the fabric. Was this really some type of clothing?

"One moment." Lizardman Priest peered into the box. "There is a note." He pulled out the folded piece of paper and handed it over to his golden-haired comrade. She opened it while still holding the enigmatic gift.

' _Dearest Priestess,'_ the note read. _'Remember to maintain dignity at all times. May the Supreme God watch over you.'_

As she puzzled over this message, Dwarf Shaman peered closer. "Hang on." He took the white sack and turned it upside down. "I know what this is! It's a…" His throat grew tight even as the next word burst uncontrollably from his lips. "Diaper."

The letter fell from Priestess' grip. When they looked at her, the young woman's fair skin had gone white as her clothes. But the way she clenched her jaw so tight left no doubt this was due to nothing less than pure heated _rage!_

"That's very useful," Goblin Slayer observed matter-of-factly from his place behind her. "You do tend to wet yourself on our quests. Goblins can smell it."

Priestess snatched up a large pan, whipped around and brained him upside his helmet. _BONG!_ The force of the blow sent him clean through a window. CRASH!

While everyone else remained too stunned at these developments to take action, Priestess dropped the pan and stalked off, muttering and stamping furiously with every step.

Once she was gone the other three hurried over to the window. They looked outside just as Goblin Slayer sat up.

"This is why we wear helmets, kids," he stated before passing clean out.

 _ **FIN.**_


	8. Riddle Me This

Goblin Slayer gazed at the book being held out to him, then up at Guild Gal. "Logic… puzzles?" he asked.

"Yes!" She insisted while continuing to proffer the item. "I thought you might like to have a look! It's filled with riddles and clever questions, perfect for helping a person develop their creative thinking. My friends and I have been enjoying it all week, and I just thought… well…" Here the lovestruck young woman colored slightly and looked away in mortification. "If you're not interested in that sort of thing, it's alright, I understand."

To her surprise, he took it.

"Thank you." Goblin Slayer slipped the slim volume into his belt. "My teacher instructed me with riddles sometimes. I am sure this will come in handy."

Guild Gal beamed and clapped her hands together. "Great! I hope you have fun!"

He walked away then. As she watched him depart, a thought occurred to her, one which really seemed obvious in hindsight.

Could he somehow use this to kill goblins?

* * *

The Goblin Champion came awake with a splitting headache. When it tried to move, however, it realized that it could not. Upon opening its eyes, the brutal creature found itself faced with a pair of boots.

"You're awake. Good. We can begin."

The boots moved out of its field of vision. At this point the Champion became aware that the reason it was unable to move was because it was buried in the floor up to its neck. It then spied two of its allies, the Goblin Mage and the Hobgoblin. They were in the same position as itself; submerged in the rock, in a line facing away from one another so that none could see behind them.

"We are going to play a game," the armored human spoke again. "A game of death."

All three goblins started to sweat.

A bearded dwarf came trotting in front of the three captives holding a small wooden bench which he set down. He then proceeded to place five pointy hats upon it; three black, and two white.

"Each of you will have a hat placed upon your head," their fiendish captor continued. "If one of you can correctly guess which color hat you have on, you all go free. If you guess incorrectly, you die. If you say anything other than a hat color, you will die."

The dwarf moved the bench behind them. The Champion felt a hat being placed upon its head. Still too stunned at the cruelty of this predicament, it didn't even think to try and look up. The other two soon found themselves sporting pointy hats as well. The Goblin Champion realized that it could clearly see what color hats they both had on. But not its own.

"Begin."

Dwarf Shaman sat down on the bench with a sour taste in his mouth. "Beard-Cutter," he grumbled with chin on hand, "don't you think this is kind of… sick?"

Standing beside him with arms crossed, Goblin Slayer said, "No."

The geomancer grimaced and popped a wine bottle. He had assisted this escapade at Goblin Slayer's insistence by using his arts to swallow their unconscious prey in solid rock. But now that he knew what they were really doing, he had to admit, just plain killing them seemed a lot more decent than this wholly undignified form of…

"GRACK!" the Goblin Mage shouted.

With the flask halfway to his lips, Dwarf Shaman paused to peer up at his cohort. "What did it say?"

The answer came when Goblin Slayer drew his sword.

* * *

A small nondescript goblin stood alone in the middle of an arena, the type used for gladiatorial combat. It wore only a loincloth, it was unarmed, and it trembled in the grip of pure fear.

In front of it were two doors.

" _Behind one door is a vicious tiger which will devour you whole. Behind the other is a beautiful woman. Choose one to open, and decide your fate."_

This previous pronouncement ran through its head. Quaking, the hapless goblin looked frantically from one portal to the next. They were identical. Nothing could be heard behind them which would indicate what the correct choice might be. But this was not what had it gripped in the bonds of existential terror. No, that derived from what the monstrous human had said next.

" _If I were you, I would choose left."_

Green skin shone with a cold sweat. It felt sick to its stomach. Its heart beat so hard it feared dropping dead on the spot. And it had no idea what to do.

Goblin Slayer and Lizardman Priest sat in the section of the arena reserved for higher-ups as they watched the petrified monster. No one else was present. The Silver-ranked saurian had requested Barbarian Amazon set up this venue for them, since she famously enjoyed a rousing match in the fighting pits herself from time to time. She was only happy to oblige considering their relationship. And with Goblin Slayer involved, it probably didn't require much thought as to what it concerned.

"You know," the Priest mused whilst rubbing his chin. "This rather seems like a moral quandary than a riddle."

"Really?" Goblin Slayer took a sip of dark red wine from an engraved silver cup.

"Yes. The real question is not which door the goblin will pick. Rather, it is what kind of man are you, Milord Goblin Slayer?"

Lizardman helped himself to some cheese-stuffed olives that had been set out for their enjoyment. He popped them into his mouth and rolled them around, savoring the briny dairy combination on his tongue.

"Are you the sort of person who would tell your hated nemesis the correct answer," he continued as the goblin's head jerked from side to side, "or would you intentionally mislead the goblin with the intention of bringing about its death? Of course then we must consider whether you think the goblin bright enough to recognize that a murderous enemy could not be trusted to tell it the true path to salvation, so clearly it could not choose the door on the left. But then it must recognize that an opponent who could set up such a fiendishly clever conundrum would suspect that a goblin might also be clever enough to deduce you would know that, and so it could clearly not choose the door on the right! However if you also know that it knows, then it would know… oh, look, it's opening a door."

They watched as the goblin sprang forward and wrenched the left-hand door wide.

Before it stood a beautiful woman.

Lizardman Priest craned forward in his seat, tail twitching with interest. "Well, that is a surprise!" he declared. "I personally thought you would direct him towards the tiger, but I see now your thinking is much more complex than I ever…" He halted, bright yellow eyes narrowing. "Is she holding a spear?"

A horrible shriek tore through the air.

While the resulting butchery took place, Goblin Slayer responded to his shocked ally's unspoken question. "A fellow Adventurer. I rescued her from a goblin nest a while back. When I told her what I wanted, she was eager to help."

Lizardman Priest just stared, while down in the arena, Spearwoman gleefully drove her weapon time and again into the squealing piece of goblin trash. Oaths and profanities the likes of which he had never heard fell from her lips, and he could honestly say that, excluding Goblin Slayer, he had never seen anyone take such joy in their work.

* * *

Undine and other water sprites watched curiously from the depths of the pond. They chattered among themselves in the language of elementals as the goblin up on the banks came racing back and plunged its bucket into the water again. It then walked with slow bow-legged concentration to a large tub, careful not to spill so much as a drop, and poured the water in.

Something the goblin saw then caused it to howl in frustration, and it dumped the tub out before snatching up another smaller bucket and racing over to fill it once more.

Also in attendance to these strange proceedings were Goblin Slayer and High Elf Archer. The two of them were up in a tree that granted them an unmatched view. With arrow notched and ready to fly should the goblin attempt to flee, the pointy-eared bow master threw a look of exasperation at her ally. "Remind me what the point of this is again?"

He responded without taking his eyes off the monster's increasingly frantic efforts. "The goblin has two buckets, one that holds precisely three gallons, and another that holds five gallons. It has three minutes in which it must use them to fill the tub up to the red mark which indicates four gallons. If it is off by any amount, I drown it in the tub."

"No, I meant… why go to all the trouble! Why not just… _kill_ the goblin, y'know?"

Slowly the featureless helm swiveled to regard her, and High Elf Archer shivered at the tone of voice he used.

"Because this way, the goblin kills itself."

"HOW DO YOU _THINK_ OF THIS SHIT?!"

He just shrugged and checked the hourglass beside them. One more minute…

* * *

Guild Gal looked up from her news briefing as Goblin Slayer settled the riddle book down before her. "Thank you," he said. "It was very useful."

"That's nice." She accepted it back with a smile. "Which was your favorite, by the way?"

"The axe puzzle."

"Really? I liked the one with the lady and the tiger. It just seemed so romantic." Here she hesitated, curious. "Do you think the tiger ate him in the end?"

"No. He got the girl."

"Oh." Guild Gal was pleasantly surprised to learn Goblin Slayer had a sentimental side. "I'm glad you think so!"

"So was she."

He left her still puzzled over what that might mean.

 _ **FIN.**_


	9. Artistic License

"Oh fair maiden, never have my eyes beheld such loveliness! I beg you, permit me to forever immortalize your beauty on canvas!"

"Pretty sure I'll outlast anything you can make," High Elf Archer gave cheerful reply. With a saucy grin and a spring in her step, she left the young artist gazing forlornly at her retreating ponytail, wondering how he might even begin to recreate such a shade of green.

She made her way through a bustling thoroughfare. It wasn't the first time today her appearance had drawn that sort of attention. And to be honest, it made her feel quite pleased. The ageless archer strolled along the lane of the Artisan's District in Water Town, slipping past stalls where eager craftsmen sought to woo potential patrons into parting with their coin. High Elf Archer had become keen on experiencing this sort of thing after returning from her latest quest to learn Guild Gal had convinced Goblin Slayer to visit what humans called a 'museum'. According to her, he actually expressed some appreciation for the objects on display.

This came as quite a surprise. Considering Orcbolg's disinterest in anything unrelated to goblins, it stirred the Elf's curiosity. She would have liked to show him examples of Elven work, but sadly there were none close at hand. Instead the Silver-Ranked Scout resolved to get an idea of what passed for human artistic expression herself. Of course being stuck in a building where you weren't allowed to touch or even smell the contents sounded crazy. So it was a delight to learn about the much less restrictive venue to be had here. Thus the animated explorer found herself enjoying this bright sunny day outdoors engaged in a quest of a different sort.

There certainly was a lot to see. Colorful scarves and hats in numerous shades, stitched leatherwork lined with fur to protect against the cold, and stone carvings representing animals or in some cases even people. Strangest of all in her eyes were the portrait-makers. Wielding brush and canvas, these rather haggard-looking humans would slop paint onto a flat surface in an attempt to duplicate nature. Not that she was unfamiliar with all manner of artistic expression. Her own people excelled in the creation of beauty. Elves had literally ages in which to try their hand at all manner of media, ranging from metalsmithing to stone carving and even horticulture-based art.

But there was something different on display here than what she was used to. Not so much in terms of quality, for Elven art could never be considered inferior to that produced by humans. Still, you didn't have to be 10,000 years old to sense the intent behind these works was different. True, some could be considered eye-catching, and even beautiful. Yet they lacked the serenity, the tranquility, that could be found in practically every work by Elvish hands. There was something so very transient in the way she saw these humans work, one might even say desperate. What were they all so driven to accomplish?

For the time being, however, the High Elf would not permit such philosophical matters to distract her. For there remained a lot to see! Bronze statues polished to gleaming perfection, woodcuttings illustrating tales of old, even tapestries bedecked with all sorts of scenes from pastoral to legendary. She passed a wooden stage with a curtain which had drawn a small crowd. Apparently there was a live performance of some kind scheduled for later in the day. Much better than a stodgy 'museum'. Here you could really experience art as it was meant to be, right down to its roots. Of course, some of the smells were pretty vile, as bad (or worse) than what she had sniffed in goblin dens, but that just went to… prove…

A few moments later High Elf Archer came striding back to stand beside the stage with arms crossed and a frown on her face. "Orcbolg?" she asked pointedly.

Seated on a stool beside the curtain, her comrade-in-arms lifted his helm. "Yes?"

"Why are you here?"

The armored human stared at her without moving. Then…

"I made _art."_

When he spoke, High Elf Archer felt a chill travel down her spine. She glanced around, contemplating. I should just leave, she thought with a sort of calm detachment. Yes, leave and don't look back. Whatever this is, whatever he's done, I want no part of it. No one has to know I was even here. I'm already gone.

The ardent Adventurer had just resolved on this course of action, when her keen eye spied something that caused her heart to plummet. Approaching from further up the road came a troop of children being led by a nun of the Supreme Faith. The little humans, orphans by the look of them, appeared very excited as they followed their Sister, who was making a beeline right towards this very spot.

Any thought of escape flew out of her head. I have to do my best to prevent the worst. Instead she marched right past Orcbolg and slipped behind the curtain.

Heads turned as an almighty scream tore the air. All except for Goblin Slayer, that is, who remained on his stool waiting patiently.

Suddenly a pale arm reached past the curtain, grasped him by the scruff of his neck and yanked him back behind it.

Several onlookers regarded one another in bewilderment. Could this be part of the show? Even over the bustle of the market, those with reasonably good ears could pick out a high-pitched voice screaming shrilly. The language was mostly Elvish, but every now and then some intelligible words came through. _"…buzz-buzz-buzz-CRAZY?! OF ALL THE-buzz-buzz-buzz-UCKING CRAZY! Buzz-buzz-buzz-YOUR EVER-LOVING MIND?!"_

While this was taking place, the troop of orphans had been allowed to the front of the audience by generous citizenry. Their guide glanced around in search of aid. Her superior had insisted someone would be on hand to explain the proceedings, but so far…

The heavy canvas at the front of the stage billowed outward, and then again, as though being struck from behind. There came a yell, followed by a loud tearing sound, and before their eyes the cloth was yanked off its support and came spilling down.

" _AIYEEEEE!"_

All heads in the Artists' District turned at the sound of children's shrieks. Several rushed over to find what had happened, only to run right smack into a press of panicked people headed in the opposite direction.

Back at the stage, the Sister was frantically attempting to soothe her wailing, tearful charges. It was all she could do not to vomit at the mere thought of what lay behind them. The sight would linger in her nightmares forever. Severed heads nailed through the eye against planks, tongues hanging out, blood dripping down the portrait stands… hacked limbs stitched together on a single torso to fashion a miniature hecatoncheir… a circular thing on a pedestal that might have been two creatures with their heads rammed up one another's asses… and most horrible yet, in back, the tree, the _tree…_ stabbed and maimed, _mutilated,_ body parts chopped off and reassembled, stacked and sewn onto one another, legs protruding from gaping mouths, fingers where eyes should be, tongues nailed to their foreheads, intestines spilling from one bisected belly only to tangle with another… green, all green…!

And worst of all…

" _THEY'RE STILL ALIVE!"_

The sight of those gruesome creations… some still twitching, spittle and blood dripping down their chins, maddened tearful eyes that rolled in sockets clearly begging for a release their stitched-together lips could not… sent the audience into full-blown frenzy.

Back at the stage, High Elf Archer sat on a prostrate Goblin Slayer, watching in horror as the crowd fought to escape. She couldn't even spare any thought as to how this predicament might appear to an onlooker; her straddling his powerful body, back arched like a bow, cheeks flushed, mouth open as if about to scream… or moan…

As it was, a certain painter who had been trailing the Elf since earlier went rushing off not in distress, but brimming with excitement and, yea, inspiration. He eagerly set out to purchase as much green paint as possible.

* * *

Dwarf Shaman and Lizardman Priest peered up and down the lane. Not a soul was in sight. Had they gotten lost?

"This is supposed to be the Artisans' District, yes?" the heavyset shaman mused while rubbing his beard. "Looks pretty deserted."

"I too see no one here," his looming friend affirmed while scanning the street lined with empty stalls and shuttered shops. His yellow eyes brightened as he spied one tent that clearly had a sign up. The two Adventurers trotted over, slipping past the canvas flap. "Pardon our intrusion, but we…"

They both froze.

"Welcome!" the young painter beamed, leaping up from his seat. "Welcome, good sirs! Please enjoy my humble art! Ah, I see you are agog at its loveliness already! Truth be told, I'm so distressed at parting with them myself, it was all I could do to put them up for sale. I have found a new muse, you see, and she has captivated me to the point where nothing will do but to adore her from every single angle! See here how she peaks over her shoulder almost timidly, one hand raised, the matchless curve of the hip and thighs leading the eye down to the blood-soaked dagger! Oh, how rapturous! And here, with only gloves and boots on as she strangles a goblin! I must admit, I used myself as a model for his… _erm_ , reaction. And lest you not notice, my _magnum opus_ itself…!"

It would be hard to overlook the six-foot canvas stretching practically one end of the tent to another. Even harder to tear your eyes away from the subject: a man flat on his back engaged in passionate congress with an Elf atop him, wearing nothing but a helmet as he grasped hold of her smooth body, while all around them lay strewn a veritable carpet of butchered goblins. The uncanny sense of recognition that seized them both proved equally difficult to deny.

"It's already been sold, I'm heartbroken to say. But would you be interested in buying some miniatures?"

 _THUD!_

A few minutes passed. In that time, a small nervous-looking man wearing the robes of the priesthood came skittering down the street. He approached the tent, hesitated, then stammered in a querulous voice, "H… hello?"

Scuffling sounds greeted his ears. Then the tent flap parted slightly, and a Dwarf peered out. "Yes?"

"Ahh… well, my superior sent me here in regards to picking up a painting she… I mean, the _Church_ had purchased. Is it ready?"

The Dwarf glanced over one broad shoulder, then turned around. "One moment, please."

He disappeared back inside. The emissary stood fidgeting for about a minute.

Without warning, the tent went up in a loud _WHOOSH_ of flame.

Stunned, the Supreme God's servant stumbled back and landed on his rump. He stared spellbound at the blaze as it consumed everything within. Dazzled from the light, eyes stung by smoke, he failed to notice two figures steal out the back, the taller one with an unconscious body slung over one shoulder. Both disappeared with all due haste before they could be spotted.

For his failure, the priest was made to visit the confessional.

 _ **FIN.**_


	10. Hard to Swallow

Seeing its comrades slain, the last remaining goblin turned to flee. Before the cowardly brute could take more than a few steps Goblin Slayer pounced, his sword cleaving it from neck to hip.

"Fifteen," he breathed, rising from the remains to scan his environs. All around, crimson blood and green carcasses stained once pristine snow. The marauding goblins had been camped out here for a while when his party swooped in to finish them. A small reduction of forces for when it came time to face the larger group. Every little bit helps.

Still, this altercation proved passing strange in his experience. For some reason he got the impression that these goblins had not put up much of a fight. In truth they seemed almost… _glad_ to die.

What could this mean?

"Beard-cutter!"

Dwarf Shaman came sliding down a snowbank. The party leader turned to regard him. "Are there more?" he breathed, ready to recommence the slaughter at a moment's notice.

"We found survivors," his stout ally huffed upon catching up to him. "They had them in a sort of pen not far off. Looks like some of the members of that party what came before us."

Goblin Slayer considered this. "If they are not severely injured, we might want to treat them here. Their aid could prove helpful when we assault the main band."

"Actually…"

Even someone not socially conscious like Goblin Slayer could pick up on his party member's distress. "What?"

Dwarf Shaman tucked his hands beneath his armpits and glanced aside. "Think you better see for yourself," he grumbled.

The two of them made their way back to the camp. A fire still smoldered in a pit, with feathered and mutilated goblins lying in heaps. Lizardman Priest and High Elf Archer were stacking the corpses like logs. Both went about their work so intently it was obvious they considered this grisly business preferable to… well, something else.

It didn't take Goblin Slayer long to determine what.

They found Priestess attending to a young woman who matched the description of the Adventurer they had been sent to find. She was suffering from exposure to the cold, and had clearly been treated horribly, but the fact she remained alive was testament to her strength of will. Yet he could not consider what this development meant to their ongoing mission. For upon arriving at the crude livestock pen, it became perfectly obvious what caused his comrades such concern.

"SO YOU BROUGHT MORE? IT MATTERS NOT! I SHALL TAKE YOU ALL AT ONCE! VILE GOBLINS, YOU'LL NOT HARM MY LADY! NOT WHEN YOU CAN HAVE _ME_ INSTEAD!"

"Interesting," Goblin Slayer mused as they stood outside the low wooden wall. "I've never seen one of these in the wild before."

"ALL AT ONCE! STUFF IT IN! I'LL NOT REST 'TIL THE LOT OF YOU HAVE SLAKED YOUR LOATHSOME LIBIDO TO ITS FULL, DO YOU HEAR?!"

"What _is_ it?" The Shaman shuddered at the stomach-churning sight. Goblin Slayer looked at him, then back at the creature itself.

"It's a Goblin Slut," he pronounced.

The naked man continued to froth and rant while tugging at the rope around his neck. He was filthy, covered in scratches and bruises, dirty yellow hair and beard caked with blood and other stuff best not mentioned. Mad red-rimmed eyes darted from one of them to the other as he hopped around on all fours in a way that only added to the utterly dehumanizing display, restricted by a short leash attached to a stake.

"Can anything be done for him?" Dwarf Shaman asked in a sickly croak.

"Once you go GS, there's no coming back." Goblin Slayer considered the matter. "I don't use them myself. They're creepy. But a fresh Goblin Slut can fetch a high price on the open market. They're useful for first-time Adventurers."

Aghast, the Dwarf turned to regard him. "Are you seriously suggesting…?"

The armored man crossed his arms and nodded in approval. "We're taking it with us."

* * *

"MORE! MORE! GO FULL IN! PLUG EVERY ORIFICE! I DEMAND IT!"

They headed back down the mountain. Upon overhearing his plan, at High Elf Archer's furious insistence Goblin Slayer was forced to walk well behind the rest holding the Goblin Slut's leash. This proved to be little solace overall.

"IN MY EYESOCKETS! CRAM MY CRANIUM WITH YOUR CREAM UNTIL IT CRACKS! GO AHEAD! I SHAN'T BE OUTDONE BY THE LIKES OF YOU! FOR MILADY!"

The creature made no attempt to escape. It seemed intent on remaining with the rescued girl in order to ensure she was not subjected to further indignity. From what they could determine the former human was so devoted to his leader that he offered himself to the goblins' depredations for her benefit. Goblin Slayer noted that, professionally speaking, a man of this obviously masculine build and age should have been of no interest to the horny green horde. But somehow, perhaps through sheer dogged determination and refusal to be swayed by any threats or violence, he had _forced_ the goblins to have their way with him. Almost as if he had broken their wills.

Such devotion would normally have been admirable… but nothing could be further from the truth in this case.

The goblin-slaying party decided to bed down for the night. The mood around the campfire was notably more subdued than usual. Their other rescued hostage had mutely refused a suggestion to try and get some sleep in the tent. Now all five of them were seated around the campfire preparing a meal while cold winter stars twinkled high overhead. It was a beautiful night with not even a breeze blowing, and only the gentle sound of accumulated snow sloughing off pine branches to break the silence.

Unless of course you counted…

"WE SHALL SETTLE THIS IN THE OLD NAVY WAY… WITH BUGGERY! FIRST MAN TO CALL OUT FOR MORE… WINS! HAVE AT ME!"

In a somewhat misguided show of compassion, Priestess had convinced them to permit the Goblin Slut to share in their fire rather than being tied to a tree like an animal. She insisted that while there might be nothing that could be done for him, treating him badly would only do injury to their own souls and certainly prove displeasing to the Earth Mother. Perhaps out of shared guilt, all agreed that this would be the most humane course of action.

Of course, that was then. And this…

"YOU SHALL ALL HAVE MADE SPORT OF ME BEFORE THE NIGHT IS DONE! MY DEVOTION IS SO STRONG, IT CANNOT BE MATCHED! WHIP IT OUT, I SAY!"

High Elf Archer flinched. Acute hearing presumably made this ordeal more telling for her than the others. Flippin' Priestess and her softhearted ways… Of course, judging by the tic developing in the human girl's left eye, she might be regretting her saintly show of compassion as well. Guess that counts for something.

"I AM NOTHING MORE THAN A LIVING WANK SOCK! TAKE THAT TREMENDOUS COCK OF YOURS AND SHOVE IT DEEP INTO MY MOST SACRED SPOT! LEAVE NO PART OF ME UNPLUMBED, YOU LOATHSOME GREEN FILTH!"

Lizardman Priest did his level best to ignore the madman aggressively displaying his upturned anus. By the laws of the Lizard Tribe such an unholy abomination should by all rights be taken out to the nearest swamp and sunk in the bog like so much peat. But he had vowed to respect the customs and traditions of his fellows, and so chose to absorb himself in preparing what would hopefully be a simple yet satisfying meal.

"WANT SOMETHING TO DRINK?! TAKE A SWIG OF _THIS,_ YOU SWINE!"

About to enjoy a much-needed mug of mulled wine, Dwarf Shaman found himself rather rudely interrupted by a gaping golden-haired bunghole thrust into his face. He remained frozen with the cup poised in midair, mouth open and eyebrows contracting into a very menacing scowl. Slowly he upended the cup and poured its precious contents into the snow.

"DEEPER! HARDER! FASTER! LONGER! I'LL DRAIN YOU DRY! YOU'LL NOT LAY A SINGLE SOLITARY FINGER ON MILADY!"

Goblin Slayer ignored this and instead took a drink. A few moments later he had another. And another. It was becoming somewhat clearer to him why none of those goblins back there seemed interested in living another day.

Oh, well.

And he took another shot.

"SHOWER ME WITH TORRENTS OF GUT-BURSTING GOBLIN SPUNK! FESTOON ME WITH THE HOT, STICKY MASS OF YOUR COLLECTIVE CLIMAX! I KNOW NO LIMITS!"

At this point the other freed hostage sagged forward and began to heave wretched sobs. All of them, Priestess included, decided enough was enough, and so while they ushered the poor thing into the tent to get some rest, Goblin Slayer was made to lead the Goblin Slut a distance from camp and tie it up. When he came back they resumed their meal.

"… DOWN THE HATCH! DESPOIL MY TENDER PINK…!

Lizardman Priest stared at a chicken breast garnished with delicious savory shredded cheese, and could not bring himself to take a bite. He put his head in his hands, heartbroken.

"… FORCE YOUR WAY IN! LET NOTHING STOP YOU! BLOW YOUR WAD DEEP IN MY…!"

Mumbling something about needing her beauty sleep, Priestess went into the tent.

"… MILADY, HAVE NO FEAR! EVEN SHOULD I PUKE SO HARD IT COMES OUT MY NOSE, I RESOLVE TO…"

Dwarf Shaman's teeth were grinding together so hard it was audible. He pounded the packed snow behind him with slow, repetitive ferocity.

"… POUND ME IN THE…!"

Goblin Slayer got a refill.

"… WALLOW AND SWALLOW! WALLOW AND SWALLOW! WALLOW AND…!"

"THAT'S… IT!"

Heads turned as High Elf Archer shot upright. She spun around and went stomping out of the circle of firelight, snagging her bow and quiver as she did. Moments later they all heard very clearly the sound of a bowstring being drawn taut. Several of them held their breaths in hushed anticipation as the Goblin Slut proclaimed, "HAH! GREEN-HAIRED MONSTER, COULD NOT STAY AWAY A MOMENT LONGER, EH? WELL, GO AHEAD! FOR I…!"

TWANG!

THOCK!

Blessed silence followed. Soon after the Archer returned and flopped down in her seat to gaze moodily into the flames.

Seated on her right, Goblin Slayer turned his head over one shoulder for a moment, then looked back at her.

"You killed my Goblin Slut," he said.

She closed her eyes, took a deep breath and let it out. "Yup."

He continued to stare at the Elf.

"That was worth a lot of money," he pointed out.

"I'll pay you _back!"_ High Elf Archer snarled, wrapping her cape more tightly around her.

He regarded his remorseless ally for a while longer before finally returning his attention to the fire. Goblin Slayer had another sip of his drink.

Then, when no one had spoken for about a minute, under his breath he muttered, "Could'a killed a lot of goblins with that…"

Once again the sound of a bowstring being strung got his attention, and when he turned his head it was to find a sharp arrowhead hovering before his helmet. The face behind that shaft held not an ounce of hesitation.

Slowly, so as not to provoke any accidents, Goblin Slayer turned away. "Like I said, they're creepy." And he took a drink.

The others all made sounds of agreement. High Elf Archer put away her bow, and the party settled themselves in for a well-deserved meal.

 _ **FIN.**_


End file.
